Here's a link to an activity meant to do with children while baking cookies (opens as pdf).
Here's another one, which includes a bonus recipe--Resurrection Rolls.
I'll just say it. Learning how to bake cookies should be an innocent, drama-free activity full of just pure joy.
This activity corrupts that opportunity for simple, pure joy by utilizing recipe steps and ingredients to teach children about the torture and murder of their God.
Putting salt in those cookies? Taste the salt. It tastes just like Jesus' tears.
Have the kids smell the vinegar. Don't like it? Too bad for you--Jesus was offered some while he was being slowly suffocated.
Instead of chopping your pecans like a sane person, put them in a bag and have your kids beat them. And then tell them Jesus was beaten too.
Egg whites are pure white, just like you, kids, if you don't sin.
Whipping your eggs? You see where this is going, right?
Drop the cookies into burial mounds on the cookie sheet.
As a fun little something extra construct a paper boulder and tape over the oven window to seal the tomb. Read Matthew 27:59...
Now your children might be upset they have to leave the cookies
overnight, but this is a great time to tell them how sad Jesus’
followers were when the tomb was sealed and they had to leave Jesus.
Read John 16:20-22
The next morning, open your oven, pull out your cookies and
observe what happened. The cookies should be hollow on the inside. Tell your child that is exactly how Jesus’ tomb was found – Empty! Read Matthew 28:1-9 and enjoy your cookies.
OMG. So I made up my own recipe:
Borgification Cookies
A spoof on "Resurrection Cookies" for Jehovah's Witnesses
Go ahead and grab all of the ingredients you need. You will also need a mixer for this recipe. I would highly recommend a stand mixer if you have one, since there is about 15 minutes of continuous mixing going on, even though Jehovah says to quit mixing in company with non-jws.
1 tsp. + distilled white vinegar
Salt, 2 pinches
3 egg whites
1 c. sugar
1 c. pecan halves
1 c. Milky Way candy bar chunks
1 c. flour
1) Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2) Place the nuts in a baggy. Give your child a rod. Have them drag the baggie to a back room and beat the nuts into pieces. As they are doing this let them know that the Bible commands parents to beat their children with a rod, or the children will die.
Now give the child a big knife. Let them know it's not age-appropriate, just like the talks about fornication they have to listen to at the hall.
Have them chop the candy bars into pieces, cutting them off just like you will be cut off from your family if you are ever suspected of doing, thinking or saying anything that's against the many rules at the hall.
3) Now have the child separately mix the dry ingredients together, just like the desert Jehovah made the Israelites wander for 40 years because he is such a loving guy.
As she* adds the flour, explain that the Society invented a product called Miracle Wheat and sold it in the magazines, claiming it would eliminate world hunger. That's what we call a falsehood, kids--just like Satan, the father of the lie, as it were, let the reader use discernment.
4) Add the egg whites to your mixing bowl. Tell your children the egg whites represent babies, which they should not be having in these end times.
5) Put a pinch of salt in your child’s palm and have them taste it. Add a pinch of salt to your mixing bowl. Ask your child if they knew tears were salty? Tell them the salt represents the tears that the women shed for Jesus. Can you believe how Jehovah loves his son so much, to let him be tortured and die for a batshit insane reason?
6) Beat the mixture for 12 to 15 minutes until stiff peaks form. Have your child notice how white the mixture is. This represents the purity that they will only have if they do not engage in loose conduct.
7) Fold in the nuts. These represent the Governing Body, who are nuts.
Fold in the candy bar chunks, telling them the jws once did not eat Milky Ways because they believed a conspiracy theory that there was hidden blood in them.
8) Drop the mixture by spoonfuls onto a cookie sheet. The little piles of dough represent the piles of shit found in jw doctrine.
9) Bake the cookies. Announce several times your predictions of when they will be done--1780, 1798, 1799, 1829, 1840, 1844, 1846, 1872, 1874, 1878, 1880, 1881, 1891, 1906, 1910, 1914, 1915, 1917, 1918, 1920, 1921, 1925, 1926, 1928, 1932, 1935, 1940s, 1951, 1975, 2000 minutes, etc. After your kids say the prediction didn't come true, tell them you never made the prediction in the first place and punish them for saying so. Play a game to teach them about shunning: Whoever said your prediction didn't come true must remain in the same room as everyone else, but no one is allowed to speak to him.
After cooking so long, the cookies will be overdone and disgusting, just like the harlot riding on the back of Babylon and consorting with the UN, as the Society does. However, insist the child say they taste good and thank Jehovah for the food in proper season.
10) Give your child a tiny taste and then force them to put the cookies aside. This will teach them how to sacrifice all pleasures as they will need to do as a jw adult.
*Well it IS a "she", right? Because bros don't bake. That's a sista's job.
